I feel like we’ve all been there, that tugging and gnawing feeling of being lost and confused and just plain insignificant. It can feel like the light inside you is burning out. I know this feeling all too well and I’ve decided that it’s finally time to knock it off.
Last Sunday, the priest at my church was delivering his sermon in his usual engaging manner. I’m new to the church scene and on a journey of some sort to find out what I believe in. It’s been an emotional ride so far. When he started to speak about individuals feeling like they are insignificant and assuring all of us that we are in fact…quite the opposite, I found myself wiping the tears from my face. I tried to tell myself I didn’t know why, that I don’t feel insignificant and should really pull it together. I tried to breathe and say “Stop it. You know that you have purpose, you are appreciated, and you make a difference”, all the amazing things my parents always told me and what I want to desperately believe in and to live up to. But those things weren’t true. At least, not in the way I had heard them before. It started to feel like he was looking me directly in the eye, trying to reassure me that everything was going to be ok. I sat there confused about why this was upsetting me so much and embarrassed to be crying at church. I did my best to keep my composure and tuck the feeling away before I lost it completely. This is the effect that church has had on me a couple times now, an uncontrollable urge to cry, and a confusion about why.
Later, when I was thinking about this event at home, I also started thinking about the fact that I recently developed a desire to start blogging, but was unsure why I even wanted to. This gave me the answer. I started to think about all the ways that writing about silly little ideas I have would provide so much more than just a cool little website. It would open new doors and help me engage myself in something bigger than, well… myself. I want to be better than I was yesterday… every day. I want to constantly learn and grow and find my place in this big bad world. But mostly, I want to make a good impression on it. I believe this blog will be the beginning of something wonderful. Now I’m not saying that if you read this or if I write this, some amazing epiphany is going to come over us or that just by writing this blog I’ll be giving back to the world and then that’s it…I’m done. No, it’s more about a starting point; it’s about a motivation to move forward with life, to not constantly be looking back and worrying what others think. It’s about sharing my journey through these good and bad feelings with other people who feel the same way. We are not alone, and we are not messed up. We are just human.
Maybe somedays I’ll be talking about a great diy project that really got me all jazzed up and hope that it does the same for you. Maybe on another day I’ll tell about some recipe that I tried that went terribly wrong, using it as a reminder about how we can all learn and grow from our mistakes. I believe, or at least I hope, that by writing about and indulging in my plans, goals, projects, and ideas, I will finally be able to think more clearly, grow freely, and put some love and beauty into the world and into my own heart. I hope that I will provide readers with fun little stories and ideas, to not only make them go pinterest crazy, but also to motivate them to do something awesome; to make the best of their time in this world for themselves and for everyone else.
So that’s it. This is all about trying to stop those negative thoughts from holding ourselves back and instead…trying to screw in a new silly little light bulb every day and just keep shining!